Death is an undeniable aspect of the human experience, yet it remains one of the least discussed subjects in our society. We avoid talking about it, even though we’re surrounded by death all our lives, and it’s the final transition we go through. By avoiding the topic of death, we miss out on opportunities to grow both personally and in our relationships with others. It’s only by confronting it head-on that we can truly find peace in the face of this inevitable transition.
Main Causes of Fear Surrounding This Transition
There are many reasons why thinking of our final transition might be scary, but one of the main causes could be that staying silent about it does us no favors. After all, we “fear the unknown,” and death is one of the greatest unknowns in life.
Grief may also impact our view of death. However, a big part of the pain of grief – again – is the fact that people don’t talk about it. When a loved one is no longer with you, you should talk about them to the people closest to you. To tiptoe around the elephant in the room is painful for everyone involved. The person you lost was a life – and, in many cases, a major part of your life. You can and should grieve that for as long as it takes.
It’s also important to prepare your kids for death by being honest about the reality of it.
If you can, start slow by saying that you’re sad because a pet died – or your friend died. If you’ve experienced a death in your family, letting your child be involved in the memorial can bring a great deal of peace, too. As is true in many other areas of communication, age-appropriate honesty and clarity are good rules of thumb.
To find peace in the face of death, we need to embrace our mortality and realize that this transition will happen to us one day. Acceptance and surrender are key parts of the process. By acknowledging that death is part of life, we can begin to let go of our fear and resistance. It is through acceptance that we can find meaning and purpose, knowing that our time is limited.
This allows us to prioritize what truly matters and live life to the fullest. Each moment becomes more precious, and we become more present and engaged.
Part of this is also to “death-proof” your life. Another reason death could scare us is because we don’t want life to end – we have so much left to do!
But if you live every day as if it’s your last by not putting things off, you will minimize the regrets you have as you face death. This also helps prevent regrets your loved ones could have from strained relationships. Treating every day as if it’s your last – and dealing with your unresolved anger – can be a huge step in the right direction.
Ruminating on death – as strange as it may sound – can also help. Caitlin Doughty of “Ask a Mortician” has an informative YouTube channel dedicated to unpacking death. She talks about historical and cultural traditions surrounding death and more.
You can plan for the practical aspects of death by asking yourself:
Do I want to be cremated, buried naturally, or embalmed – or something else?
What do I want my funeral service(s) to be like?
Is there anything I’d like in my casket (if not cremated)?
What pictures do I want to be shared at my funeral? (Create a shared album!)
What songs do I want to be played at my funeral? (Create a playlist!)
What do I want to be remembered for?
What do I want my obituary to say? (Write it yourself!)
Finding Peace in the Face of Death
Several strategies can help us find peace when confronted with the reality of death. Meditation and mindfulness can be powerful in fostering a sense of calm and acceptance. By focusing on the “now” and accepting our thoughts and emotions without judgment, we can remember the impermanence of life and find peace.
Connecting with nature is another effective way to find solace in the face of death. Time outdoors, surrounded by the beauty and wonder of the natural world, can remind us of the cycles of life and the interconnectedness of all living things. Nature has a way of putting things into perspective.
Spiritual guidance can also provide comfort and support. Whether through religious practices or personal beliefs, spirituality helps us understand and navigate the mysteries of life and death. Connecting with something greater than ourselves can bring a feeling of peace and purpose.
Support Systems
Strong support systems are vital throughout our lives. Family and friends can provide a great deal of emotional support and companionship during difficult times. Sharing our fears, worries, and emotions with loved ones can lighten our burdens and help us feel less alone in our journey.
Our support systems help us celebrate new life – and they help us cope with life lost. When loved ones have been on the brink of death (or even approaching unknown circumstances in their lives), friends and family show up early in the morning and late at night to support us, share resources, and provide light in an otherwise dark time.
If you’ve recently lost a loved one and have no idea what to say when they tell you, “Let me know if you need anything” (or if you’re the one asking), we’ve got you! Keep reading to learn how to sign up for our newsletter, where you can get helpful resources like “15 Ways You Can Help a Friend Who is Grieving the Loss of a Loved One”! (Coming soon!)
Therapy and counseling can also help you navigate the complex emotions that crop up when confronting death. A trained professional can provide guidance and help you process your feelings, offering tools and strategies for finding peace and acceptance. (Real talk: when April’s mother-in-law died, her therapist was the first person she called after the funeral home.)
Support groups are another valuable resource. Connecting with those who have experienced similar loss or are facing their mortality can provide a sense of belonging and understanding. Sharing stories can be cathartic and can offer new perspectives about your experience.
Legacy and Leaving an Impact
Thinking about our legacy is another way we can find peace. Documenting our personal stories, whether through writing or other self-expression, can help us reflect on our lives and leave a lasting impact. By sharing our experiences, wisdom, and lessons learned, we can inspire others. If you wonder what you’d be leaving unsaid if you died tomorrow, writing it out and leaving a message for the people you love can put your mind at ease.
Acts of kindness and service are another meaningful way to leave an impact. By choosing acts of love and compassion, we create a ripple effect that goes far beyond our own existence. Small gestures of kindness can bring comfort and joy to others, and they can also bring us a sense of fulfillment and purpose.
Building relationships is also crucial in finding peace in the face of death. Nurturing connections with loved ones and building meaningful relationships allows us to leave a lasting impact on the lives of others. When we invest in our relationships and foster deep connections, we can find solace in the knowledge that we have made a difference in the lives of those we love.
Maya Angelou once told a beautiful story of her Uncle Willie and the legacy he left. Chances are that her uncle never knew the great impact he left – not only on his niece but on the other people he interacted with.
Legacy is something that we are always unintentionally building. Build it well!
Finding Peace Through Planning for the Future
Embracing the journey and finding peace in the face of death is a deeply personal and transformative process. Acknowledging the reality of our mortality and embracing death as an integral part of life helps us find solace. Through practices like meditation, connecting with nature, seeking spiritual guidance, and leaning on our support systems, we can navigate the complex journey of confronting death.
Leaving a positive legacy and cultivating meaningful relationships can bring a sense of purpose and fulfillment. Ultimately, by embracing the journey and confronting death with an open heart and a willingness to explore the unknown, we can find peace, growth, and enlightenment.
Last week we looked at red flags you should pay attention to with regards to caregivers and professionals in your network. This week we’ll look at how to prevent abusive caregiver situations and how to deal with abuse once it has occurred. Below are some actions you can take to guard against people in your network taking advantage of you.
Things you can do now:
Take advantage of your free yearly credit report.
You can get a free credit report from each of the three credit reporting agencies (Experian, TransUnion and Equifax). Hot tip! Space them out! Sign up to get one every four months. This will make it easier to discover any irregular activity fairly quickly.
Ask your banker if they have completed the “BankSafe” program from AARP.
BankSafe is a training platform designed to help financial professionals identify and stop suspected exploitations from caregivers. Ask your bank if they have participated in this training. If your bank has not had this training, encourage them to do so! Or consider moving funds to a bank or credit union that has already participated.
Budget for paid assistance.
Remember that as much as family and friends may want to help, sometimes they can’t. It’s important to make sure that you are able to afford assistance for things like traveling to appointments, grocery shopping, laundry, nutritious meals, cleaning, and other personal help you may need if you were injured or developed a medical condition. Endeavor to have enough of your retirement savings to ensure you can afford a positive work environment for your future caregivers.
Create a Durable Power of Attorney
Create a Durable Power of Attorney.
This Power of Attorney allows someone you trust to monitor and manage your finances, if needed. This could be a family member or close friend. With access to bank accounts and credit card statements, they should be able to notice quickly if your spending habits change or if there is fraudulent activity on your account and they’ll be able to file a claim to protect your money!
Things to keep in mind for later:
Listen to your loved ones.
If you have a caregiver that is not in your family, do yourself a favor and trust a loved one’s opinion if they sense unsettling behavior from that caregiver. Sometimes others are able to see things that we are too close to observe.
Don’t become too reliant on one person.
You can have a housekeeper come every other week to clean the surfaces, a home health nurse to check on your health, and a food delivery service to prepare your meals or deliver groceries. Surround yourself with people who like their jobs.
Let family and friends know you welcome their visits and calls.
Tell them what has been going on in your life and find out what is going on with them. Maybe a few favorite snacks in the cupboard will even bring the grandkids by.
Let family and friends know you welcome their visits
Don’t give up your routines.
Self-care is so important, we all know that! If you feel yourself falling into a slump, get outdoors, go to the store, call a friend or ask someone for help. You deserve to be loved and to love yourself. No matter what anyone says, you are the conductor of your life.
“Stranger danger” isn’t just for children.
As adults we get comfortable interacting with all kinds of people, but remember that not everyone has your best interest in mind. Beware of helpful people who appear out of nowhere! Trust your instincts and listen to your inner-voice.
Don’t keep secrets.
If anyone tells you to keep a secret from your friends or family, something is very wrong. Red alert!
Report anyone who threatens to physically harm you.
Call the police and tell your trusted loved ones. There are no second chances when it comes to your personal safety.
Practice being assertive with others
Remember that “no” is a complete sentence.
If you are a people pleaser, practice different ways of saying “no” so you’ll be more comfortable in situations where you need to say it.
This week we are going to talk about why you need a medical power of attorney, even if your spouse is available to make decisions for you.
In a medical emergency, there is an assumption that your spouse would be the health care agent, make health care decisions, and deal with the hospital and doctors on your behalf. However, what happens when a spouse is separated, no longer wants to be in contact, or doesn’t agree with your health care values?
If this happened to you, would you still want them to make decisions for you? Do you want your adult children to make medical decisions for you? What if your spouse and children disagree on what type of treatment(s) you should receive? When faced with an emergency, please consider having your medical Power of Attorney already in place.
What happens if you don’t have a Medical Power of Attorney?
There are many situations that can arise when you become incapacitated or have a healthcare emergency. Even if it seems unlikely that your spouse would be disinterested in your health, it’s important to remember that your spouse may have trouble thinking clearly in an emergency or may also be seeking medical care. A medical Power of Attorney with an agent that is capable of making medical decisions, even in an emergency, can lower the risk and confusion regarding your medical decisions.
What is a Medical Power of Attorney and why you need one.
A medical Power of Attorney, also known as a Durable Power of Attorney for Healthcare, is a document that allows you to appoint someone as an “agent” to make decisions about your health care. This agent will make decisions on your behalf if you become too ill or incapacitated. A medical Power of Attorney ensures that your wishes will be followed. We have an experienced estate planning and probate attorney here in Nashville who can help you customize these decisions and record how choices will be made.
Choose someone you trust to make medical decisions for you.
How to choose the best Agent for your situation
When you are choosing your medical agent for your Medical Power of Attorney, it is important that you choose someone you can trust to adhere to your preferences regarding your medical care. Discuss your wishes with your agent before they need to make any care decisions. Make sure that you have confidence that your Agent will make the right decisions about things you two have not discussed.
Don’t wait to create your medical POA.
Conclusion: Why everyone needs a Medical Power of Attorney
It is important to think about what you would want in a medical emergency. Do you want your spouse to always make decisions for you?
Designate ONE person authorized to make decisions for you if you are unable to make or communicate your wishes. Even if you want your spouse to make those decisions, it’s always a good idea to have a “backup” person. This backup person can help out with decision-making in case your spouse is unavailable when someone needs to step in.
Whatever you decide, you should have a Medical Power of Attorney. Write your power of attorney in conjunction with your advanced directive (also known as a living will). All of these documents are an important part of a well-thought-out estate plan.
Do you have a plan for emergencies? Do you want help putting your values on paper? Take our Virtual Estate Planning Challenge! This 7-part Challenge helps you brainstorm the important stuff before creating your estate plan. We had a ton of fun making it and think you’ll really benefit from it too.
One concern I frequently hear is a worry that the government will take assets from a loved one or take assets from an estate instead of family members inheriting it. These are valid concerns because there are specific instances where this can happen, but as a general rule, the government DOES NOT take assets unless they have a legal reason for doing so.
The State of Tennessee will not take your assets
There are a few instances where the government will take your assets if you die without a will. For example, if someone received Medicaid (TennCare) to pay for long-term care, if they owed back taxes, or if no family members can be located. But, as a general rule, the State of Tennessee is not going to take your assets.
Tennessee will find your closest heirs
The State of Tennessee has a statute that lays out how your assets will pass if you die without a will. Your assets will pass to what we call your heirs at law. Those are really the people that you probably think of as your closest relatives: your spouse, your children, your grandchildren, your parents, your siblings, your nieces and nephews, your cousins, and farther out. But it’s the close relatives that the state will seek out.
Generally, the government is going to look for anyone related to you before they get any money. I hope that sharing this information with you has given you a sense of relief if you were told inaccurate information elsewhere.
If you have other questions about your estate or that of a loved one, click here to schedule a call with us.
Hey there, Nashville and Middle Tennessee! Estate planning might sound like a snooze-fest, but it’s super important for everyone, no matter your background or family situation. The LGBTQIA+ community has faced some unique challenges over the years, and there’s a lot we can learn from their experiences about protecting our loved ones and making sure our wishes are honored. Let’s dive into some valuable lessons that can help all of us.
Lesson 1: The Importance of Legal Documentation
The LGBTQIA+ community has had to fight hard to make sure their chosen families are recognized legally. Without the right legal documents, like wills, trusts, and advance directives, partners and chosen family members often couldn’t make medical decisions or inherit property. This highlights how important it is for everyone to have these documents in place! It’s all about making sure your wishes are clear and legally binding, so your loved ones are protected and have access to you when it’s most important.
Lesson 2: Understanding Intestacy Laws in Tennessee
Intestacy laws decide how your stuff gets distributed if you pass away without a will. In most states, these laws favor relatives by blood and marriage, causing a lot of heartache and disputes when those avenues aren’t available. That’s why it’s crucial for everyone to understand how Tennessee’s intestacy laws work and to take steps to create a valid will. This way, your assets go to the people you choose, not just your blood relatives.
Lesson 3: The Role of Advance Directives in Medical Decision-Making
One major lesson from the LGBTQIA+ community is the importance of advance directives for medical emergencies. Without a healthcare power of attorney or living will, medical professionals might turn to biological family members who might not know your wishes (or just not want to follow them). By creating these documents, you can make sure your trusted person makes decisions for you, ensuring your wishes are followed and your MVPs are involved in your care.
Lesson 4: Protecting Shared Assets and Property
For most couples, shared assets and property are a big part of their lives. Without proper estate planning, these assets can be at risk. This is a lesson for everyone in Middle Tennessee: make a comprehensive estate plan that includes wills, trusts, and property agreements. This helps protect your shared assets and ensures they go to the right people, avoiding legal disputes.
Lesson 5: Marriage Equality and Estate Planning
The legal recognition of same-sex marriages has been a huge win, giving all couples the same rights as heterosexual couples. But marriage equality alone doesn’t cover everything that your family may need. All married couples in Nashville and Middle Tennessee need detailed estate plans that reflect their unique needs. This includes updating beneficiary designations, creating wills and trusts, and setting up advance directives to outline and protect your wishes.
Lesson 6: Proactive Estate Planning for Legal Protection
The ongoing fight for LGBTQIA+ rights shows us that legal protections can change with political and social climates. This is a reminder for everyone in Nashville and Middle Tennessee to be proactive about estate planning. Stay informed about legal developments and work with knowledgeable professionals to create estate plans that offer peace of mind and security. Estate planning isn’t just about legalities; it’s about making sure your loved ones are cared for and your wishes are respected.
Conclusion
The LGBTQIA+ community’s history offers valuable lessons in estate planning for everyone in Nashville and Middle Tennessee. As we reflect on these lessons, take a moment to talk about your estate plan with your family. If you need to update your plan or start from scratch, give us a call! We’re here to help you protect your loved ones and build a secure future.
