Death is an undeniable aspect of the human experience, yet it remains one of the least discussed subjects in our society. We avoid talking about it, even though we’re surrounded by death all our lives, and it’s the final transition we go through. By avoiding the topic of death, we miss out on opportunities to grow both personally and in our relationships with others. It’s only by confronting it head-on that we can truly find peace in the face of this inevitable transition.
Main Causes of Fear Surrounding This Transition
There are many reasons why thinking of our final transition might be scary, but one of the main causes could be that staying silent about it does us no favors. After all, we “fear the unknown,” and death is one of the greatest unknowns in life.
Grief may also impact our view of death. However, a big part of the pain of grief – again – is the fact that people don’t talk about it. When a loved one is no longer with you, you should talk about them to the people closest to you. To tiptoe around the elephant in the room is painful for everyone involved. The person you lost was a life – and, in many cases, a major part of your life. You can and should grieve that for as long as it takes.
It’s also important to prepare your kids for death by being honest about the reality of it.
If you can, start slow by saying that you’re sad because a pet died – or your friend died. If you’ve experienced a death in your family, letting your child be involved in the memorial can bring a great deal of peace, too. As is true in many other areas of communication, age-appropriate honesty and clarity are good rules of thumb.
To find peace in the face of death, we need to embrace our mortality and realize that this transition will happen to us one day. Acceptance and surrender are key parts of the process. By acknowledging that death is part of life, we can begin to let go of our fear and resistance. It is through acceptance that we can find meaning and purpose, knowing that our time is limited.
This allows us to prioritize what truly matters and live life to the fullest. Each moment becomes more precious, and we become more present and engaged.
Part of this is also to “death-proof” your life. Another reason death could scare us is because we don’t want life to end – we have so much left to do!
But if you live every day as if it’s your last by not putting things off, you will minimize the regrets you have as you face death. This also helps prevent regrets your loved ones could have from strained relationships. Treating every day as if it’s your last – and dealing with your unresolved anger – can be a huge step in the right direction.
Ruminating on death – as strange as it may sound – can also help. Caitlin Doughty of “Ask a Mortician” has an informative YouTube channel dedicated to unpacking death. She talks about historical and cultural traditions surrounding death and more.
You can plan for the practical aspects of death by asking yourself:
Do I want to be cremated, buried naturally, or embalmed – or something else?
What do I want my funeral service(s) to be like?
Is there anything I’d like in my casket (if not cremated)?
What pictures do I want to be shared at my funeral? (Create a shared album!)
What songs do I want to be played at my funeral? (Create a playlist!)
What do I want to be remembered for?
What do I want my obituary to say? (Write it yourself!)
Finding Peace in the Face of Death
Several strategies can help us find peace when confronted with the reality of death. Meditation and mindfulness can be powerful in fostering a sense of calm and acceptance. By focusing on the “now” and accepting our thoughts and emotions without judgment, we can remember the impermanence of life and find peace.
Connecting with nature is another effective way to find solace in the face of death. Time outdoors, surrounded by the beauty and wonder of the natural world, can remind us of the cycles of life and the interconnectedness of all living things. Nature has a way of putting things into perspective.
Spiritual guidance can also provide comfort and support. Whether through religious practices or personal beliefs, spirituality helps us understand and navigate the mysteries of life and death. Connecting with something greater than ourselves can bring a feeling of peace and purpose.
Support Systems
Strong support systems are vital throughout our lives. Family and friends can provide a great deal of emotional support and companionship during difficult times. Sharing our fears, worries, and emotions with loved ones can lighten our burdens and help us feel less alone in our journey.
Our support systems help us celebrate new life – and they help us cope with life lost. When loved ones have been on the brink of death (or even approaching unknown circumstances in their lives), friends and family show up early in the morning and late at night to support us, share resources, and provide light in an otherwise dark time.
If you’ve recently lost a loved one and have no idea what to say when they tell you, “Let me know if you need anything” (or if you’re the one asking), we’ve got you! Keep reading to learn how to sign up for our newsletter, where you can get helpful resources like “15 Ways You Can Help a Friend Who is Grieving the Loss of a Loved One”! (Coming soon!)
Therapy and counseling can also help you navigate the complex emotions that crop up when confronting death. A trained professional can provide guidance and help you process your feelings, offering tools and strategies for finding peace and acceptance. (Real talk: when April’s mother-in-law died, her therapist was the first person she called after the funeral home.)
Support groups are another valuable resource. Connecting with those who have experienced similar loss or are facing their mortality can provide a sense of belonging and understanding. Sharing stories can be cathartic and can offer new perspectives about your experience.
Legacy and Leaving an Impact
Thinking about our legacy is another way we can find peace. Documenting our personal stories, whether through writing or other self-expression, can help us reflect on our lives and leave a lasting impact. By sharing our experiences, wisdom, and lessons learned, we can inspire others. If you wonder what you’d be leaving unsaid if you died tomorrow, writing it out and leaving a message for the people you love can put your mind at ease.
Acts of kindness and service are another meaningful way to leave an impact. By choosing acts of love and compassion, we create a ripple effect that goes far beyond our own existence. Small gestures of kindness can bring comfort and joy to others, and they can also bring us a sense of fulfillment and purpose.
Building relationships is also crucial in finding peace in the face of death. Nurturing connections with loved ones and building meaningful relationships allows us to leave a lasting impact on the lives of others. When we invest in our relationships and foster deep connections, we can find solace in the knowledge that we have made a difference in the lives of those we love.
Maya Angelou once told a beautiful story of her Uncle Willie and the legacy he left. Chances are that her uncle never knew the great impact he left – not only on his niece but on the other people he interacted with.
Legacy is something that we are always unintentionally building. Build it well!
Finding Peace Through Planning for the Future
Embracing the journey and finding peace in the face of death is a deeply personal and transformative process. Acknowledging the reality of our mortality and embracing death as an integral part of life helps us find solace. Through practices like meditation, connecting with nature, seeking spiritual guidance, and leaning on our support systems, we can navigate the complex journey of confronting death.
Leaving a positive legacy and cultivating meaningful relationships can bring a sense of purpose and fulfillment. Ultimately, by embracing the journey and confronting death with an open heart and a willingness to explore the unknown, we can find peace, growth, and enlightenment.
In some families, every gathering is another opportunity for disputes, whether you’re meeting up after a death in the family or a holiday. Maybe you just have a uncle who thinks he’s entitled to everything after your mom passes.
No matter what the issue is, let’s see if we can keep the peace among family (and non-family) during the estate planning process! Put the boxing gloves down and keep reading.
Begin with the End in Mind
Start with the goal of clear skies and peaceful resolutions. Visualizing a successful meeting where everyone leaves with a handshake can set a positive tone.
Remember, it’s not just about dividing assets; it’s about honoring relationships and the legacy of the will maker.
Timing is Everything
Just like planting your tomatoes after the last frost, timing in estate discussions is key.
Choose a moment when stress levels are lower, perhaps after a family dinner. (Maybe skip the moonshine to keep heads clear – but good luck keeping the uncle away from it!)
By allowing everyone to digest both the meal and the information, you’ll be setting the stage for a fruitful conversation.
Bring in a Neutral Party
Sometimes, it helps to have someone who isn’t Uncle Bob facilitating the discussion. An attorney experienced with family dynamics can guide the conversation without the risk of playing favorites.
Listen Like You Mean It
Active listening is like making biscuits from scratch — it takes patience and practice. Nodding along and providing a safe space for each family member to share their thoughts allows for open communication and reduces misunderstandings.
(This doesn’t mean not to speak up – just follow the golden rule and listen before you state your feelings on the matter.)
Embrace the Emotional
Acknowledge that emotions will be as present as fireflies on a humid Tennessee night. It’s natural for folks to feel a whirlwind of sentiments when it comes to inheritance. The key is to address these feelings with empathy and respect. “No apologies” is not a great way to live your life!
Document, Document, Document
Such important conversations deserve more than a handshake and a “y’all remember this now.”
Having the decisions made in these talks put down on paper by an attorney ensures that everyone’s memory stays as sharp as the details in a log cabin quilt.
Education is Your Best Friend
Familiarize yourself with estate planning essentials by visiting reputable sources like this one on estate planning. Understanding the basics can help you steer the conversation and clarify common misconceptions.
Keep It Light
While discussing the future can be as daunting as facing a bluff on the Cumberland Plateau, a touch of humor can ease the tension.
After all, we’re aiming for a family gathering, not a courtroom battle.
Graceful Aging Legal Services: A Neutral Third Party
Remember, estate discussions don’t have to be as much fun as a thunderstorm at a picnic. With these strategies, you can transform family estate planning into a process as peaceful as a Tennessee sunrise.
Consider us as your companions on this journey, offering a range of services to ensure that your family discussions avoid trouble as much as possible.
Probate laws in Tennessee play an important role in the orderly distribution of a person’s assets after they die and help to settle their affairs. The probate process typically begins when you hire an attorney who will file a petition on your behalf in the appropriate probate court, initiating the legal proceedings.
The court then appoints a Personal Representative (aka the executor) to oversee the estate, and their primary responsibility is to manage the assets and debts of the deceased loved one. Notification of heirs and beneficiaries is a critical step to ensure all interested parties are aware of the probate proceedings.
If you are nominated or appointed as a Personal Representative, there are several things you’ll want to keep in mind to ensure a seamless probate process.
Probate Court Jurisdiction and Venue
In Tennessee, your attorney will file for probate in the county where your loved one lived at the time of their death. This is wherever they consider to be their permanent home.
Across Tennessee, your probate case may be heard in a different type of court than a friend’s in another county. For example, in Davidson County the Circuit Court hears probate cases while in Rutherford County they are handled in General Sessions Court. Many counties process probate petitions through their Chancery Court. An experienced probate attorney will be able to tell you the procedure in the county where you live.
Tennessee Intestacy Laws
Intestacy laws in Tennessee come into play when there is no valid will. These laws dictate the distribution of assets when a person passes away without explicit instructions, outlining the order of inheritance among surviving family members.
Myth-busting: Many people are concerned that if they do not have a will, the government will take their belongings instead of their family. While there are certain exceptions where the government can claim funds that are owed to them, your closest family members will inherit if you do not have a will.
Validity and Execution of Wills
Tennessee recognizes several types of wills, from handwritten wills to the ones you think of that are typed up and signed in a lawyer’s office in front of a notary. Each type of will has different requirements in order to be “admitted to probate.” This just means that the court needs to make sure that the will is authentic before it is acted on.
The law is specific about how that authentication can happen. Probate laws delineate the requirements for a valid will and the various types of wills recognized in the state. Ensuring compliance with these stipulations is imperative for a seamless probate process.
Probate Inventory and Appraisal
Part of the probate process involves creating an inventory of the deceased’s assets and how much those assets are worth. This allows the heirs and beneficiaries to know what to expect in terms of inheritance and for the court to require insurance to protect those funds if needed.
Many people are concerned about their privacy if the inventory is made a part of the public record, but informal inventories are often used instead of filing as part of the public record. This can be written into your will or agreed to by your family after your death.
Creditor Claims and Debts
To handle creditor claims and debts, personal representatives must notify creditors and prioritize the settlement of outstanding debts so ensure that the distribution of assets is fair and equitable.
One primary responsibility of the personal representative is to pay any valid claims of the estate. Your attorney will assist you in notifying creditors, both by mail and in the newspaper, so that they can come forward and file claims if there is money owed. Your attorney will guide you through the process of evaluating whether those claims are valid and paying them (if appropriate).
Estate Administration and Accounting
Once all assets have been gathered and all creditors have been paid, it’s time to distribute the funds. An accounting, whether formal or informal, will assist the personal representative in getting the numbers right. Depending on family dynamics and the requirements of the will, the accounting may or may not need to be filed with the Court’s Clerk.
While the term “accounting” sounds scary, all it means is that you are keeping track of what funds come into and out of the estate. Your attorney will assist you in preparing the accounting if one is required by the court.
Will Contests and Disputes
Probate laws in Tennessee address the possibility of will contests and disputes, outlining the grounds for contesting a will and the specific procedures involved in resolving such disputes.
Probate taxation is an overview of estate taxes, potential tax liabilities, and exemptions are governed by Tennessee probate laws. Understanding and following the laws around taxation ensures proper estate planning and compliance.
Although Tennessee no longer has an inheritance or estate tax, taxes are still an important process of probate and estate planning. As part of the probate process, the personal representative will be responsible for filing the deceased person’s final income tax return, as well as any federal estate taxes. There may also be state tax returns due based on what types of assets the decedent had.
Your attorney and accountant will assist you with maintaining the deadlines and knowing what these requirements are.
Closing the Probate Estate
In the final phase of the probate process, assets are distributed to heirs and beneficiaries, and the personal representative or administrator is officially dismissed of their duties. Take some time to celebrate – you’ve made it!
Common Issues and Pitfalls
The probate process takes a lot of time and effort (and maybe three hundred takeout coffees). The costs include court filing fees, attorney fees and possibly personal representative fees, which adds up. It’s important to have an attorney who knows the laws and the best way to complete the process efficiently so as much money goes to the people that your loved one wanted to have it.
Most people want to know how long the process will take or have heard horror stories out of other states (looking at you, Florida!).
In Tennessee, it can take as little as six months, depending on when your person died, how fast the court moves, the assets involved, family dynamics, and other variables. In most cases, it takes at least a year, and often more. If everyone gets along, it’s not such a bad process, and the attorney will handle much of it for you.
We also encourage the use of an after-loss professional like Sunny Care Services who can take some of the most frustrating tasks off your plate.
If you’ve become the Personal Representative for your loved one’s estate and want to prevent a lengthy probate process, it’s a good idea to start planning now. Talk with an attorney who has experience with probate and estate planning. (Psst – that’s us!)
Recent Developments in Tennessee Probate Laws
Probate laws are subject to change, and recent developments, including legislative updates and notable court decisions, can impact the probate landscape. Staying informed about these changes will help you navigate the probate process instead of asking, “Is it over now?” when you’re only halfway through.
Fortunately, Graceful Aging Legal Services can help you stay informed on such topics with our newsletter. Sign up today!
As we enter into the holiday season, I’ve invited my dear friend, Gabby Daikon, to share her experience with grief after losing her mother as a young adult. I met Gabby about a year ago through her grief journals and later joined her for virtual Yoga Nidra and “bad bitch” meditations. In a year that has been unpredictable, these practices have brought me comfort, and I hope her words will be a comfort to you.
Grief is all-consuming and yet different for every individual.
For me it felt like a fog, a fog that I knew was there but I couldn’t get to the other side of it. I hear that is what Seattle is like, I guess grief is like Seattle. I have never been but I hear it is beautiful but always cloudy. I think grief is similar in that it feels constantly dreary but also has a weird comfort and connection to the true essence of life. I am sorry if you live in Seattle and that offended you. I truthfully have no idea what Seattle is like.
Grief is a journey
My grief journey has been a bumpy ride, to say the least. I have struggled tremendously, found support, struggled again, learned to surrender and the ride keeps on going. I found that my biggest mistake was pretending to be OK. I held all of the burdens of my losses inside of myself and made myself sick. Truly sick.
Ride the waves
We run and hide from any negative emotions, but the more we tense and grip, the harder they hit. Instead, float on the tides. Let your emotions move you around without crashing over you; brutally. Wade into the fears, float with them, don’t judge yourself, and usually, you can come out without drowning.
Grief-positivity
My true healing began when I learned how to surrender to the pain, the grief, and all of the parts that make this life. It is so sad that grief is such a large part of life and yet rarely spoken about. I believe that when we begin to speak about it we can all heal and find the beauty in our journey.
Yoga Nidra provides a moment of reprieve
I found Yoga Nidra at a time when I truly needed it. I felt this constant pain of anxiety because I had this undercurrent of grief that I just could not truly access. Yoga Nidra was the first time I felt at peace for 45 minutes. I am not saying it healed me completely but it gave me a moment of reprieve and sometimes when we are deep in the grief journey that is all we can ask for. A moment of reprieve.
Yoga Nidra is a guided meditation
Yoga Nidra gives us the opportunity to float with the currents. During Yoga Nidra there are no moving postures, simply lie wherever you feel comfortable and allow yourself to feel supported. It is a guided meditation – you are not left alone with your thoughts, you are supported by the meditation. During this time you may be having trouble feeling rested, Yoga Nidra is equivalent to 3 ½ hours of deep REM sleep to the body. It also helps move energy through the subconscious mind and welcome what the mind needs to welcome without the tension and anxiety attached to it.
Yoga Nidra makes you an observer of the mind, an observer of grief, being able to welcome it without having it drown you. I invite you to just take a few deep breaths, allow what comes to come, and know that you can handle it.
Grief is personal
There are scientific benefits that I can list but the truth is that grief is not some scientific formula, we just have to do what we can to get through and for me, that was writing to my Mom and other loved ones when I truly needed her and Yoga Nidra. With the loss of a key family member there is so much more loss that people don’t speak about- like; the family dynamics, your personality, a self-identity, and so much more. So if you are deep in your grief all I can offer is my truest empathy and compassion because there are no magic words, it is just hard, and sometimes we just need people to understand how hard it is.
Use the promo code GALS to get a discount on one of Gabby’s services
Looking to reduce stress and anxiety? Improve your mental clarity? If so, consider adding Yoga Nidra to your wellness routine. Use the promo code “GALS” and you can get a discount on Gabby’s services.
Ten Holiday Traditions to Consider when a loved one dies
When your family adds members, like a new baby or newlywed couple, the holidays can be more joyous than ever. Of course, the flip side of that is that when your family loses someone, the holiday season can become a painful reminder of their absence.
I am very fortunate to still have both of my parents around, and until recently, my husband did too. Doing the work that I do, I’m always cognizant that our loved ones won’t always be around. However, when my mother-in-law passed unexpectedly this year, it threw a lot of our plans into chaos.
We had holiday traditions that will be difficult to carry on, and so I’m thinking about how we can continue existing traditions while acknowledging our loss, or create new traditions that honor the time we enjoyed with her.
Here are a few options that I’ve come up with to explore this year, and as the years go on.
Go to their favorite places.
My mother-in-law, Lynn, had very eclectic tastes. She loved art museums, coffee shops, bookstores, and any place that had locally made crafts. She is the one who created my candle obsession through various gifts over the years. This year a couple of new places have opened in our neighborhood that I know she would have loved, as well as places that she and I went together that I will probably visit again.
Wear their favorite colors/styles.
Normally when we think of attending a funeral, we think of people wearing black. I’ll never forget reading Their Eyes Were Watching God by Zora Neale Hurston in high school, where the main character wears her husband’s favorite color when he dies. Although I had no clue the toll death can take at that time of my life, thought it was a lovely way to honor him and their relationship.
If you were fortunate to inherit some clothes from your loved one, the holidays may be a good time to take them out. Smell them. Do they still smell like your loved one who has died? Isn’t that wonderful to be able to smell them again?
My grandfather died while I was in law school. One of my favorite things that we did together was take walks. He took a walk every day and had a coat rack full of sweaters, coats, and flannel shirts for anyone who wanted to walk with him if the weather was cool. When he passed away, I was able to get a few of the cardigans from his hall tree. They no longer smell like him, but I can’t wear them without remembering all the walks we went on and the ways that those walks helped shape our family.
Make their favorite recipes or eat at their favorite restaurant.
My mother in law loved Chef’s Market in Goodlettsville. It’s where she chose for our rehearsal dinner, and where we got take out from almost every Christmas Eve. While we may skip Chef’s Market for the holidays this year, I’m going to suggest we start going there on her birthday each year.
Share stories about them. What was their favorite thing about the holidays?
Did they love going to the movies after opening presents? Were they a wonderful or horrible gift giver? The holidays are a wonderful opportunity to share memories that were made over the years.
Donate to their favorite nonprofit or help someone they loved.
Helping others is always a great way to think outside of yourself for a while. Maybe you set up a re-curring donation to a cause they cared about or find a few days to volunteer for an organization stuffing envelopes or making calls.
Even if you don’t have a lot of time or money, you can find a way to be helpful. If you use Amazon, you can make your purchases through their Amazon Smile website instead and they will donate a portion of your purchase to the charity of your choice. Kroger has a similar program that is tied to your Kroger Plus account.
Visit their grave, memorial, or a place they love. Don’t be afraid to talk to them. Give them an update on what has happened through the year.
I know this may seem silly to some people. But in all likelhood there were some things you shared with your deceased loved one that might not be as appreciated by anyone else. Maybe you heard a joke that you know would crack them up, or want to make sure they are caught up on the family goings-on. You can say things out loud, or just think them (like a prayer) but having a way to continue the relationship that was so important while they were living is so comforting.
Save a place for them at the table. Consider putting their picture at their place instead of a place setting.
Just because someone isn’t with us physically at the holidays, chances are that they had an impact on how you celebrate. Find physical space for your loved on in your holiday celebrations.
Read their favorite book out loud.
In Iceland there is a tradition of getting books as gifts on Christmas Eve. Then the family cozies up with their book and hot chocolate for an evening of reading. I think it’s a lovely tradition. Since Christmas Eve was the part of the holiday that we spent with my in-laws, I might suggest that we adjust this tradition to read her favorite book and drink tea instead. It’s Tolkien, so we won’t finish, but maybe we’ll put it back on the shelf until next year.
Look through photos of them and favorite memories.
Even though your loved one is no longer with you, hopefully they weren’t camera shy. Many families now create photo slide shows for memorial services, and the holidays might be a good time to pull that back up on your computer, go through the photos one by one, and talk about the events happening when the picture was taken. I bet you’ll learn a few things about your loved one, and get to share some things too!
10. Make a toast to their influence on your life, using their favorite drink.
Whether your loved one preferred champagne, eggnog, or Coca-Cola, the holidays seem like the perfect time to raise a glass in their honor. Toast to the immaterial things they left you. Did your son inherit their sense of humor? Your granddaughter has their love of science? They are a piece of you, so now is a great time to honor them.
The people we love don’t leave us when they pass away, and there’s no reason we should try to leave them behind during the most cherished parts of our lives.
As we approach Halloween and Día de los Muertos, it seemed appropriate to get a little more matter-of-fact about deathcare resources. One end-of-life resource that we want to highlight is the option of engaging a “death doula” for those who are facing the end of their lives.
Our guest blogger this week is Ellen Abbott. We met Ellen in her role as Care Manager for Visionary Care Consultants but soon learned that we shared an interest in helping people through some of the most difficult transitions of life. Ellen completed her certification as a death doula in 2019, so we asked her to tell us more about what a death doula is and how they serve those at the end of their lives.
You may have heard recently about a “death doula” or an “end of life doula” and wondered who they are and what do they do? As a death doula myself, I’m happy to tell you!
What is a death doula?. We use midwives to educate and assist families to help bring babies into the world, why not have the same for those who are towards the end of their journey here?
There is a growing movement among end-of-life professionals in the United States to bring back the role of a non-medical person who stands in the gap between doctors, hospice, and the family of a dying loved one. This person guides the family and the client around the maze of the healthcare system, educates on hospice, offers practical information about death and provides emotional support around the entire process.
Who do death doulas serve?
A death doula serves the dying person as well as their loved ones. The goal of a death doula is to make sure that their client’s final wishes and needs are carried out before, during and after their death. This creates a healing and easier transition for the client and family.
When should a death doula be called?
You don’t have to have a terminal diagnosis to hire a death doula. There are some doulas who focus on helping their clients plan so that they know what they want at the end of life, and instructions on what the family needs to know to carry out those wishes. This is extremely helpful to the family and client since the topic of death and final wishes are not popular conversations in today’s world.
How do death doulas charge for their services?
Every death doula is different. Most offer free consultations and then an hourly rate of anywhere from $30-$100 an hour. Some offer packages for legacy planning along with being present for the client at the time of death. In middle Tennessee there is a Death Doula alliance, made up of local doulas that have been trained specifically for this role. They come from all backgrounds but usually from nursing, social work, counseling or clergy.
Over the last century, death has been viewed as a medical failure even though we all know one day we will die. A death doula helps to normalize these conversations and talk about these topics that no one wants to bring up. The death doula starts with the end in mind, to ease client’s fears, knowing they have a plan and someone at their side when the time comes.
